By Jennifer Meyer, FosterAdopt Connect
Nearly twelve years ago, my husband and I received a call asking if we’d be willing to foster a newborn baby. It was the first time we had been approached about caring for a baby—and after fostering five boys, this was also the first girl. After a quick conversation with our biological daughters, we said yes. For two years, we supported the plan for reunification, but when that wasn’t an option, we were honored to adopt her into our family.
We always knew that trauma would be part of her journey, and it didn’t take long to realize that ADHD and anxiety would also shape her world. I still remember taking her to a school district screening at the library—while other four-year-olds sat quietly with their parents, mine was darting up and down the book aisles, full of energy. She became completely overwhelmed on a family trip to Disney World—frozen in place because of too many bugs. It wasn’t always easy, but with the support of our family and an incredible doctor, we found our way through school challenges and medication decisions together.
Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we might be missing something. She struggled to make friends, often spoke using song lyrics, and would fixate on eating just one specific food. I brought it up with my older daughters—one a special education preschool teacher, the other a counselor who works with autistic young adults—and they both gave me the same knowing look. “Mom…” they said gently. I decided to have her evaluated in December, and by February, we had an answer: she was diagnosed with autism.
Though I’m still new to this journey as an autism mom, there are a few things I’ve already come to understand:
- I had to grieve. Even though I was about 95% sure of the diagnosis before the testing, I was surprised by how deeply I needed to grieve. I didn’t want my transracially adopted daughter to face yet another challenge in her life. It breaks my heart to know that her path may be filled with more struggles.
- We’re already thinking about her future. Will she go to college, get married, or have children? I don’t know. Should we build a home with a separate apartment to support her independence? I don’t know. Will she be able to hold a job? I don’t know. My husband and I are wrestling with these questions as we seek the right resources to support her long-term.
- I need to step up even more as her advocate at school. The counselor called me recently to say my daughter had a rough morning. She was fixated on a conflict with a classmate and couldn’t stop talking about it, and the counselor seemed surprised by how stuck she was. “That’s autism,” I explained (though it could’ve also been ADHD). It’s my job to help others understand her while also helping her learn to understand and advocate for herself.
- She’s still the same amazing kid. Before the diagnosis, she was funny, strong, smart, and a joy to be around—and she still is. That hasn’t changed. But I have. I see her with new eyes, not through a lens of limitation but with deeper understanding and even more love.
My daughter doesn’t often initiate hugs. When I say, “I love you,” her usual response is a simple, “Okay.” But about a week ago, we were walking home from school together when she turned to me and said, “Mom, you’re my favorite person.” I smiled and said, “Guess what, babe? You’re my favorite person, too.”
Resources for Autism Assessments :
Beyond the Individual – www.Beyondtheindividual.com
Jordayn Psychological Center – www.jordanpsychological.org
Taking Flight Developmental Pediatrics – www.takingflightpeds.com
Meadowlark Psychology & Development Center – www.kcmeadowlark.com
Children’s Mercy Hospital Developmental and Behavioral Sciences Clinic – 816-234-3674
The University of Kansas Medical Center – Center for Child Health and Development – 913-588-5900
Family Service & Guidance Center – www.fsgctopeka.com/autism-assessments-in-topeka
Wichita State University: Autism Spectrum Disorders Clinic- www.wichita.edu/academics/health_professions/slhclinic/speechlanguage/autism_clinic.php
Wesley Care Clinic: www.wesleycarephysicians.com/specialties/pediatrics?location=wesleycare-physicians
The Therapy Center: www.therapycenterwichita.com