A new family member or foster child is such an exciting thing! But it can also mean that your family dynamics look a lot different. Maybe the kids in your home already get along for the most part, but now that there is a new sibling, they may feel like they must fight for parent or sibling attention. They may miss the times when it was just you and them, and this might lead to an increase in negative behaviors from them, intended to seek what they had previously. It could be really beneficial to have family therapy in place prior to this big change to help your existing children process what this will mean for your family.
When we first start thinking about the fostering and/or adoption process it’s easy to focus on all of the things you as a family, or as the foster/adoptive child, will be gaining. A new family member, new parents, new sibling(s), a new person to spend time with and get to know, big life events to celebrate together, new traditions – the list goes on. However, we don’t always take the time to process what losses this big change can mean for the parents, foster/adoptive child, and pre-existing family unit (other children and extended family members).
Being in your home might mean that they have had to leave their schools, churches, basketball teams, karate classes or other important support systems. If possible, maintain contact with any important community members, teachers, or friends and get them involved in similar ways in their new community to build more connections.
The child(ren):
When you welcome a foster or adoptive child into your home, even if they’ve been in care for an extended period, they may experience feelings of loss over their family of origin, and in some cases, the additional loss of their previous foster family. Yes, they may be hopeful and excited about this change, but that doesn’t eliminate feelings of loss, and encouraging them to keep reminders of their previous home(s) such as photos and sentimental items is a great way to support them as they grieve.
They may also experience a loss of identity that comes with being welcomed into a new family. Children may question who they are within a different family system and at times may feel isolated due to differences in their new environment. It’s important that they are given opportunities to talk about, display, and make an effort to learn more about their culture and what it means to them.
Foster/Adoptive Parents:
A new child in the home often features a decrease or divide in attention that you can offer your partner and/or your other children. They may feel that decrease in quality time as a loss and feel as though they don’t matter as much to you anymore. Be intentional with your time to help remedy this; a few minutes and a few kind words go a long way towards helping someone feel connected and valued.
Having a foster or adoptive child in your home may also change how people outside of your family view your family as a whole. Often times, children in foster care have high needs and significant behaviors that have negative stigma attached to them. Whether they know that your child was fostered/adopted or not, others may judge how you parent while out in public and dealing with a crisis. Keep in mind that you are the expert on your child and family and know what is best for them. It may not be easy, but you will learn to be comfortable with ignoring outside opinions.
Family/Siblings:
Other children in your home, and even extended family members, can get used to how things were and may need to take some time to process the changes that come with a new person in the family. It’s possible that the birth order is now different, and that may mean different expectations from parents for children they didn’t have before. It may seem unfair that this new person has less responsibilities and more independence than the child who is used to a certain way of living. A relative may know what to expect when you and your two sons come to visit but not know what to expect with your teenage daughter they haven’t developed a rapport with yet. That same family member may treat this child differently due to their history with their other children, and this is something to be mindful of. Ensure you know when to step in and advocate for the child if it becomes necessary.
With loss comes grief, and each person processes differently. Keep in mind that certain activities, foods, smells, anniversaries or times of year and more can all act as reminders of the losses you or your children have experienced. The stages of grief are not linear, they occur at different times, repeat, and may even overlap with each other, so be patient with yourself, your partner, and your child(ren). Remember to practice self-care and to take time to do the things that bring you joy. Encourage your children or those around you who are grieving to do the same.
Source: MAPP Foundations (Participant Handouts-Week 4). 09.2023.